Astral Facts, November 2009

Words to the Wise

Astral: (Theosophy) Consisting of, belonging to, or designating, a kind of supersensible substance alleged to be next above the tangible world in refinement; as, astral spirits; astral bodies of persons; astral current.

In this season of giving thanks, one thing I am grateful for is grammar. Even though it is also a seven-letter word that strikes terror in the heart of the stout-hearted and makes strong men quake at the knees, it’s cloaked in job security from my vantage point.

In the grammar family, a most useful but little understood item is the pronoun. Of course, people know that a noun identifies a person, place, or thing; nonetheless,when I ask my students what a pronoun is, they are quick to come up with puzzled looks, but that’s about it. When I tell them that Tiger Woods was a noun when he was in college, but once he started playing golf for money he became a pronoun, they scoff.

Another little understood grammatical unit is the preposition. Although they tend to defy definition, without prepositions, we have a difficult time being anywhere. As they say on this campus, a preposition is “anywhere a squirrel can go”: up, down, through, around, between, to, from, away, among, between, etc. Two of my favorite pronouns, in and out, were involved with the story of the two baby skunks. In case you don’t know the story,

A mother skunk once had two babies, named In and Out. Usually they would run around underfoot, for whenever In was in, Out was out. When Out was in, In was Out. Very rarely was In in when Out was in, nor was Out out when In was out.
On one such day, when Out was in and In was out, the mother said, “Out, go out to find In and bring In in.”
So Out went out to find In and bring In in. Immediately, Out came back in bringing In in from being out.
Astonished at the rapidity in which Out had gone out to find In and bring In in, the mother said, "Out, you just went out for In and brought In in in almost no time. How did you find In to bring In in so quickly?”
To which, Out shouted out, “Instinct!”

One of the other great things about grammar is the wonderful phenomenon of punctuation. In this season when people are sending holiday greetings and newsletters with overviews of the past year’s events, the punctuation does become an issue. For example, here’s a text message that Jill sent to Jack. Unfortunately, Jill had been texting when her teacher had gone over punctuation in school, and Jill neglected to include any punctuation in the text message, which is not unusual these days. Perhaps you can help Jack insert the correct punctuation:

Dear Jack I want a man who knows what love is all about you are generous kind and thoughtful people who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior you have ruined me for other men I yearn for you I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart I can be forever happy will you let me be yours Jill

How would you punctuate the message? Pencil in your punctuation marks before you scroll down any further.


Jack couldn’t remember what happened the last time they had communicated (assuming that Jack had communicated with Jill at some point – perhaps during a commercial or even in an extended conversation during halftime) but having a photogenic memory (remembering only the good things), Jack interpreted the message in the following way:

Dear Jack,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, and thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy; will you let me be yours?
Jill.

Isn't that sweet and touching!? Such depth of feeling would move the heart of any decent man. Unfortunately, the problem is that Jill didn’t really see things the same way. According to Jill’s comments later on Oprah, the punctuation should have been more like this:

Dear Jack,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, and thoughtful people who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men I yearn! For you I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Jill

So if you’re unsure of the messages you’re sending, consult with your local English teacher. If the message is going out strong and clear, thank your local English teacher. Either way, if he’s standing near the mistletoe, be sure to give him a big kiss!


Walter Lowe

Astral Facts is a monthly presentation of Humanities Science, produced in the bowels of the Humanities Science offices.